It's the same now as then
the way we're all standing against the wall,
amateurs, unsure of what to do with our hands
or where to look;
big hungry babies,
naked in our awkwardness,
scanning for eye contact,
hoping we'll find a brief embrace
here in the dark labrynth of the dingy arcade,
the muffled moans tickling our ears,
the smell of bleach poking at our nostrils,
and the blue light flickering from underneath the doors.
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POP!
11 years ago
3 comments:
So does this make it more clear?
Maybe too clear?
Should I have stopped at "arcade"?
Is this one of those poems you just write because you happen to spot an unexpected but workable parallel, but doesn't really offer anything?
I think it works a lot better, but I'd make the image transition less abrupt -- maybe take out "triple-x video" and just make it "here in the dark labyrinth of the arcade" and then let the reader figure out what the "arcade" is. If you think you need some additional imagery, I'd make it less explicit, like "dingy arcade" or something like that. Since an arcade is also an arched covered passageway, that word can be your transition between the formal awkwardness of the dance and the (guilty?) awkwardness of the arcade.
Everything after "arcade" is great, and should stay.
Good call sir. Yeah, I think that works. I like "dingy."
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