Trying to Get Fired

I swear, at first, it wasn't intentional.
I don't really know what drove me to it.

I'd crawl in a few minutes late in the morning,
complaining about traffic.
I'd sneak out at 4:55 in my gym shoes,
and linger over lunch.

Then came the doctor's appointments.
I had an eye exam, a dental exam, a trip to the gynocologist.
It's been a while since I had a checkup and a cholesterol check--
Healthy workers are happy workers, right?
Got my oil changed on the way back to the office.

I'm not sure at what point it became a game,
a battle of inertia - theirs and mine.

I started yawning in meetings whenever the boss talked
humming to myself and doodling with an extravagance
beyond what is politely accepted.
Sometimes I would pull my phone out of my pocket in alarm
leave the room as though something pressing had come to my attention
and simply not return.

After hours, I became an stealth nuissance
shifting files from one person's desk to the next,
turning family photographs on their heads
stealing the soap from the company restroom.
I took papers from the recycling bins and returned them to inboxes.
Each day I moved the wall of my cubicle an inch
until my neighbor had an extra two feet of space.
Then one night, I put it back.

I have to admit the rest of it came as a surprise, even to me.
I began asking others to do things I'd been assigned,
flatly refusing new tasks without explanation.
One day I dumped my entire filing cabinet on the floor
and sat rummaging in the contents for over two hours,
scowling at passersby as I looked for some non-existent file.

Of course, I made the intern put everything back.

As time went on, my fear faded entirely
and I began even to relish the day I would be caught
I prepared myself to handle any consequence with an absurd indignance -
I was ready for anything, but I will admit
the promotion came as a surprise.