They built the house themselves
back in the early fifties.
Little attention was given to decorative details
but the structural ones were subjected to the highest scrutiny.
There's not a loose nail in the place.
No creaks. No squeaks. No cracks.
Every joint and every seam is perfectly flush.
Every board in the house
was hand picked,
measured twice,
and cut once.
Every piece of furniture is still in the same place.
The same painting of the barn in the country hangs over the mantle
which also serves as a perch for the same porcelain birds.
Out in the shed, it still smells of damp, packed down dirt and sweet grease.
The same sturdy tools
hang against the same peg board, their wooden handles
rubbed smooth over the decades.
The handwritten labels on the drawers of the tool chest
haven't changed since the day were so neatly crafted,
all caps on tiny fragments of index cards,
and the shelves still house the rows of mayonnaise jars
which hold so many parts and assemblies
soaking in oil
like organs in a lab.
The swing set still sits in the yard,
without a speck of rust,
anchored by concrete
on all four corners,
another monument
to Alfred's war against chance.
All of these things are the same,
but Alfred and Janie
aren't quite.
Another evening settles over Fairburn,
and the streetlight slides in between the slats of the blinds
that cover the eight-foot picture window.
Their thin soft bodies pad through the house,
cleaning, arranging, and moving without segue
between observations about belongings in the house, the vegetation outside of it,
and recollections of meteorological events;
that storm, this chair, that tree,
as if the concrete nature of those things
gives comfort
even as the differences between them
start to fade.
POP!
12 years ago
4 comments:
Nice Phil! I love the idea that these two people are desperately clinging to their creation as it slips beyond their comprehension/memory. The best part of the poem is the setup - the description of these people's past lives through their things (although I feel like I know Alfred more than Janie, just because of the masculine nature of the things mostly described).
It feels odd that the first time "Alfred and Janie's" names come up in the body is after you've "introduced" them through their creation. I'd like to hear that it was Alfred who cut the boards, and Janie who picked out the barn painting, etc. Unless you want them to seem joined, without distinction?
"It's twilight" is evocative, but it would be less blunt (and more imagistic) if the reader felt like you were describing a given day, rather than a state of mind. Of course, you mean to describe the latter, but as it's currently written, the symbol is immediately translated, almost as a cliche.
As for the last stanza, I'd love to hear them clinging to things - have them tell me a (short) story about a tree getting struck by lightning, or the day Alfred surprised Janie with a new piece of furniture made in the shed. I can create the notion of frantic, random memories being shared in an effort to preserve them and their own minds, but right now, it's too much tell and not enough show.
The first part of the poem, though, is outstanding - great eye for detail and skill for putting it into the reader's mind.
Thanks. Yeah, Alfred and Janie have always been kind of a uni-being and seem to grow more that way as they get older.
Good call on the twilight line. I'm going to mess with that some more for sure. I may play with stories too.
See, most swingsets would rust. But most people don't use 4 coats of paint on their swingsets or seal all of the openings with resin. That swingset will be there till the end of the world.
Interesting about the ghosts. I'm going to look at that. Might be fun. Or the ambiguit might be good. Or maybe it should read as not ghosts.
Great edits, Phil -- I returned to this today after a while away, and I really like the way you reworked it.
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